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WrestleMania 32 Predictions
Pre-show:
10 Diva tag team match
Team Bad & Blonde (Lana, Emma, Naomi, Tamina and Summer Rae) Vs Total Divas (Brie Bella, Paige, Natalya, Alicia Fox and Eva Marie)
What Should happen: Total Divas should be canceled and half these women should be given their releases from the company.
What will happen: Some good wrestling, some really bad wrestling. Ultimately they’ll keep it short and terrible and the women who have a show of the same name will win.
And we’re off to a fast, angry start. Nice.
The Usos Vs The Dudley Boyz
What should happen: Usos should go over. They are the younger stars although we’ve been down this road before and probably will again if/when the Hardy Boyz come back to WWE.
What will happen: Usos
U.S Title Match
Kalisto(c) vs (The)Ryback
What should happen: I’m going to try not to be too cynical here. There are a bunch of injuries so Ryback probably is the best choice, but my God has the U.S. title gone back down the crapper. This was the most coveted title in the company when Cena had it and now they stuck it on a Rey Myserio clone and forgot about it. That is unacceptable. Kalisto is good, but he’s not Rey and they shouldn’t be forcing the Rey mold on him either. He can be good without all that crap, but they just want to keep the assembly line moving so here ya go. Kalisto should retain and move onto someone else who he can have good matches with and actually make the title mean something. By the way I didn’t think Ryback turning heel would result in him being stripped of his personality. I mean what is he? A grumpy old lump of muscle screaming “GET OFF MY LAWN! WRESTLING IS FOR BIG PEOPLE!”. Not great character development.
What will happen: Ryback wins here. From the company’s perspective, Kalisto doesn’t need the title. He can sell masks to kids and tag with Sin Cara without the title. Plus, it would free him up for the cruiserweight invitational that’s starting up on NXT soon.
Main Card:
4 Vs 3 Handicapped NON-Title tag team match
The League of Nations Vs The New Day
What should happen: I feel like this match should be for the titles. If New Day can Freebird the tag belts as a threesome, why cant the League do it as a foursome? Wow, that sounded very homo-erotic. Completely unintentional. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Since the belts aren’t on the line, I don’t really have a dog in this fight. I love New Day, but it’s not for the titles so I’m not too concerned with them losing. Also, I’d love to see Rusev break out the tank again and have the whole League ride in on it. I know it’s a re-tread (tread get it? Because I’m talking about a tank. Thanks. I’ll be here all weekend), but it’d be so worth it. What will happen: New Day will make an epic entrance, but the L.O.N takes the win.
Andre the Giant memorial battle Royal
What should happen: This match might file better under “what shouldn’t be happening”. Look I get it. WWE wants everyone to get a WrestleMania pay day, but due to the litany of injuries this match is now down to bottom of the barrel wrestlers. That to me is not worthy of the namesake of this match. Andre deserves better than a bunch of scrubs fighting for a trophy. Speaking of scrubs, that’s an apt word to describe what the Wyatts have become and if this match has any chance of being anything but a farce than Bray or Braun should win it.
What will happen: Kane and Big Show have been the focal point so it’ll probably go to one of them.
Triple Threat Match for the Divas Title
Charlotte(c) Vs Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks
What should happen: SASHA BANKS SASHA BANKS SASHA BANKS. Sorry. Had to get that out of my system. It’s time. After sitting through the phony divas revolution round robin team thing that fell flat on it’s face, we finally have the match we want. It doesn’t matter who wins (*cough* Sasha Banks), but how much time these ladies have to do what they are capable of and that’s stealing the show.
What will happen: All signs point to Sasha and I think everyone involved knows it’s her time to shine. Sasha wins and then (if rumors are true) brings back the women’s title the next night on RAW.
7 Man Ladder match for the I.C. Title
Kevin Owens(c) Vs Sami Zayn Vs Stardust Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs The Miz
What should happen: Owens is by far the best of this underused bunch. I know a lot of people feel that him and Sami are on the same level, but I don’t. Owens has made the most of what’s been given to him on the main roster while Sami has only been around a couple of weeks. He hasn’t had time to make any kind of impression or get the non-NXT fans behind him. It’s too soon for a title change. Owens is hot and this would be a nice check mark on his resume.
What will happen: WWE has been smart with Owens for the most part. I think it stays on him until they build up Sami and eventually they’ll make the switch, but Owens retains here.
AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho
What should happen: Before I begin let me just say welcome back heel Chris Jericho. Jericho is probably the only legend that can come back and find a way to get booed. He truly is the best in the World at what he does. Ok time to stop marking out and move on. AJ is the new guy. He’s been winning. He should continue to win to establish himself as a main event player. It’d be great if he transitioned this into a long program with Owens or another top heel.
What will happen: AJ seems like a no brainer, but this is WWE and WWE has two main problems when it comes to booking who wins and who loses. 1. They are very wishy-washy, hold-cold on people 2. Vince loves “his guys”. In other words the characters that HE, the all-knowing, all-powerful Vincent Kennedy McMahon created. If people think the IWC are marks for their guys, Vince is a million times worse than any fanboy. I see them pulling the rug from under us on this one and giving Jericho the win despite him not needing it.
No Hold Barred Match
Dean Ambrose Vs BROOOOOCK LLLLLLESNARRR (sorry, can’t help it)
What should happen: Dean Ambrose is the most over singles wrestler in the company right now besides HHH. I can understand why Dean isn’t in the title match, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. This guy is money and it’s going to sound crazy, but he’s too good to be in an undercard match with BROOOOOCK LLLLLLESNARRR. Yes, he’ll get a huge rub win or lose from arguably the best pure fighter in the history of the company, but he deserves more. This is the type of match that has tear the house down potential, but it’ll probably be forgotten in a week or two because the wrong guy will go over.
What will happen: BROOOOOCK LLLLLLESNARRR (last time. I promise) will win. I said it last year and I’ll say it again, when Vince booked Brock to beat Undertaker’s streak he forever booked himself into a corner. Lesnar cannot lose to anyone but a small select group of people (Undertaker, Cena, Roman. That’s it). So he can’t lose to Ambrose. Not because Brock’s credibility will take a hit, but the Undertaker’s. If your Vince, you can’t have scrawny ass Dean Ambrose beat the guy who ended the streak. It’s funny how everyone always compares Cena to Superman because of how his matches always play out, but that nickname should really go to Undertaker because HE is the one who can never be killed. HE is the one who the brightest light will always shine on. HE is God like in Vince’s eye. As long as Brock and Taker are around this will always be a problem. If only time machines were real, we could all jump back to 2014, storm the Superdome, stop Vince from putting Brock over, celebrate Bryan’s title win again and maybe for a grand finale, save Warrior’s life. What do you say science guys? You ready to save the WWE? Guys???
Hell in a Cell match
Control of RAW Vs Undertaker’s WrestleMania career (basically what it breaks down to. I think…)
Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker
What should happen: Let’s go back to when this all started. First of all, SHANE FUCKING MCMAHON actually returned home to what was one of the biggest pops ever. He said he had something over Vince and wanted control of RAW. Simple enough so far. Vince says he’ll give Shane what he wants if…he wins a match…at WrestleMania…against the Undertaker…inside Hell in a Cell. That’s all well and good except that was all said in one sentence I can see the conversation in the writers room after that one:
Writer 1: Well, there goes 6 weeks of build up.
Writer 2: I guess we can just have them call each other a bitch and have Shane do his elbow spot once the rest of the way.
Writer 1: Problem solved. See ya at WrestleMania!
Problem not solved Mr. Writer guy. We still don’t know what it is Shane has over Vince. It’s one of those vague plot devices that never have a payoff. Like every Bray Wyatt promo. Not to mention the fact that Shane didn’t have to accept a match. He has something over Vince. Couldn’t he just threaten him with it until Vince coughed up the company? Kind of a weird way to get your inheritance early. Couldn’t he just dial a lawyer? Like one of those guys from the local commercials who’s very stiff and creepy on camera and yet they can just wow a room of people and twelve jurors in court. Where was I? Oh yeah. Shane should win because there is so many directions to go with it.
Unfortunately…
What will happen: Vince just HAD to go out on RAW two weeks ago and tack on the super obvious stipulation that if Undertaker loses, this will be his last WrestleMania. Ugh. WWE has such a terrible habit of doing this. They do a decent job creating some doubt and then have to take that small amount of doubt, put it in front of a firing squad and execute it. Can’t we have a sliver of hope that Shane will win? Now, it’s all but gone. Undertaker wins. Wait, couldn’t Shane just re-instate Taker after he takes over RAW? How would Vince stop him?
Triple H(c) Vs Roman Reigns
What should happen: For those who’ve been out of the loop, yes HHH is once again WWE champion at age forty five and surprisingly has done a damn good job. I honestly thought he would coast to WrestleMania, but he’s set the example and put in the work. I know he should finally put reigns over, but I really wish he wouldn’t. The best course of action is to have HHH hold the belt until SummerSlam when Seth Rollins is set to return and have HHH put Rollins over as THE guy. I know some people will disagree and say Roman has to be the guy, HHH is too old, etc., but that’s not the way I see it. WWE shouldn’t keep trying and trying to get someone over as a huge babyface when it’s just not happening. The fans aren’t going to warm up to the idea of Roman as the face of the company so stop it already.
What will happen: The inevitable will come down. Roman will win after two years of being built up as the next top guy. Rollins saved us last year, but there’s nothing to stop it this time. Roman is going to be the guy and we’ll either have to accept it or ignore the WWE title picture all together.
Sorry to end on a down note. It’s tough sometimes watching this stuff we call wrestling, but let’s spin it forward a little bit. I know a few things – the Divas title/division will be called the Women’s title/division once again, Dean Ambrose is a star and he’s going to show why on Sunday. We can poo-poo Shane-Taker all we want, but we’re going to be jumping out of our seats watching it. Even more so on RAW the next night if Shane wins. Also ZACK RYDER is in an I.C. title match at WrestleMania. We all would have shit our pants at this sentence if this was 2012. Roman as champ might be good. Who knows. If they stop booking him as a Cena clone, it might work, but if he starts beating guys three, four times who are way better than he is then forget it. Let Roman be Roman. Leave the silly Cena shit to Cena. That’s my take. WrestleMania is this Sunday and I can’t wait.