2012 in the WWE as told by me and a series of hilarious Wrestling Memes. Enjoy.

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2012 in the WWE as told by me and a series of hilarious Wrestling Memes.  Enjoy.

By: Smark Central

Break Down the Walls of Jeritroll

It’s not easy to be original in entertainment these days.  People seem to want the same thing over and over again even if they’ve already seen it 1,004 times.  However, Chris Jericho is no ordinary entertainer.  Every time he returns to the WWE he tries to give the fans something fresh, something they’ve never seen him do before so he decided (after a series of creepy vignettes) to troll us.  For the first three weeks he was back Jericho simply would come out in an obnoxious light brite jacket, get the fans riled up, pick up a mic, celebrate some more, and leave.  Some people hated it, but it really was quite an interesting way to get heat because let’s face it, no one like a tease.

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18 seconds in heaven

You’ll never see a bigger middle finger to the internet than when Vince McMahon put Sheamus over Daniel Bryan for the World title in the opener of WrestleMania XXVIII in eighteen seconds.  Apparently Vince was unaware of how over Bryan had become with his “YES” catchphrase and was much more concerned with setting a new time record that no one (except him) gave a fuck about.  After a strong four month title reign, Bryan was literally kicked to the curb by Casper’s red headed brother and it was over after eighteen lousy seconds.  Is Bryan a prototypical WWE superstar?  No, but considering the work he put into his character, I thought he deserved better than this.  Most fans felt the same way as Sheamus was shit on by the live crowds for the next few months.

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Rock Vs Cena

A year since it was proposed this match was finally here.  After the endless (and I do mean absolutely fucking endless) hype, it was time to see how this feud would reach its conclusion.  After a year of promos, videos, jokes, and one tag match together, the Rock triumphed over John Cena in his hometown of Miami.  While this outcome was a big surprise and quite welcomed, it did leave a few questions.  Why would WWE put a part time wrestler over their top guy?  I mean in the past, the veterans always lost to the up and coming wrestler to show the World that they are the star now (see: Hogan Vs Rock from WrestleMania X8).  Granted Cena is already well established, but I always felt that he needed a stamp on his career, a true signature victory and I thought this would be it.  As a fan of the Rock (and a very vocal hater of Cena) I loved it, but as a traditionalist, I was disappointed that WWE went this route.  Maybe there will be a rematch this year and Cena will get his revenge and prove himself.  I hope not.  For once “once in a lifetime” should stay “once in a lifetime”.

 

(B)Rock Vs Cena

Last year when the Rock returned from a seven year hiatus, we thought the last Holy Grail had fallen and that no return could be bigger or better.  However, no one envisioned the site that we would see the night after WrestleMania:

Cost a lot less than the WWE network
Cost a lot less than the WWE network

Brock Lesnar returned to the WWE and F-5ed John Cena much to the overwhelming delight of well everyone except Cena fans.  Lesnar would follow this attack up with a straight up beat down the following week that left Cena with a bloody lip.  However, just when things were looking up, he ends up jobbing to Cena at Extreme Rulez.  I wasn’t surprised, but talk about a missed opportunity.  Brock Lesnar draws big money wherever he goes, but the best way to utilize his talents is as an unstoppable monster and in his VERY FIRST match back, he loses.  I realize I’m kind of contradicting myself considering what I said about Cena-Rock earlier, but to me it’s different.  Rock comes around maybe once a year and was leaving after WrestleMania.  Brock on the other hand had signed a year long contract.  Yes, only 34 dates, but still enough to make the company some good money if he was used right (which he wasn’t).  If there was a legit reason why he lost, I’d be ok with it, but there wasn’t.  I believe the only reason he lost was to satisfy Vince’s ego.  Not only would he make Lesnar pay for walking out of the WWE, but he would prove once and for all that WWE is better than MMA.  Good job, Vince.  You really stuck it to… yourself?

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Sheamus Vs Del Rio feud till the end of time

For some reason at least once a year WWE tends to have feuds that last way longer than they should.  Some feuds are worthy of it, but even when two wrestlers have good chemistry and the story is there (ala HBK Vs Y2J 2008), it still tends to be less and less exciting every time.  It’s even worse when you take two generic, one dimensional stereotypes and put them in a FIVE month long feud during which the heel never wins once.  It makes absolutely zero sense for Del Rio to keep getting shot after shot after shot.  It’s like the WWE has turned into the land of 1,000 title shots. Either that or the writing team kept jumping into a Delorean and thinking they were going back in time to when Sheamus first won the belt.  I can see Del Rio as Marty McFly now “I need to go back in time amigo so I can get another title shot.  It’s my destiny” and then Ricardo (as Doc Brown) is announcing his arrival from the past “ahora arriving from 1955 el es Albertooooo Del McFlyooooo”.  Yes I know I’ve gone way too far and way off topic, but I’ve gone too far now to go back.  Maybe If I hopped in a Delorean and went back in time before I wrote this horrible bit…ah fuck it.

Déjà vu – the sensation that you are seeing the same shitty match you saw the month before
Déjà vu – the sensation that you are seeing the same shitty match you saw the month before

 

Revolving GMs – Laurnaitis/Teddy, AJ, Vickie

If there’s one thing WWE does great, it’s changing who the irrelevant TV show authority figures are.  When the GM’s/commissioners/CEOs/CFOs/etc are there to facilitate the storylines and be part of the backdrop, their easy to swallow.  However, when they become the focal point of a major storyline and are popping up in every other segment with their two cents, it becomes grating no matter how talented the person is.  Talent is usually not something the person they choose has and if they do pick someone with talent, the person’s character becomes watered down by overexposure and the requirements of the authority figure position (I.E. face GMs favor the face wrestlers and make life difficult for the heels and vice versa).  I don’t know if the writing team just gets bored, but in the past year alone we have seen John Laurinaitis run RAW, Teddy Long on Smackdown, then Johnny ran both briefly until Vince McMahon fired him, then Vince named AJ as the new GM at RAW 1,000 because she was (at the time) the most interesting character on the show.  Finally after AJ resigned after a few months, Vickie Guerrero was named the “managing supervisor”.  Add on Vince and HHH throwing their weight around once in awhile and you have a giant clusterfuck of annoyance with too many non-wrestlers taking the time away from the actual wrestlers.

Why Not Zoidberg?  They’ve tried everyone else.
Why Not Zoidberg? They’ve tried everyone else.

 

Punk drinks the kool aid

RAW 1,000 wasn’t the greatest RAW ever, but it certainly changed a few things.  The major one being CM Punk who had spent the year following MITB 2011 as one of (if not the) top face in the company, but like many before him was unable to unseat John Cena as the “face of the company” so he became in essence the “heel of the company” by GTSing the Rock.  Over the next few months, Punk would take on more and more heel tendencies.  His promos became angrier and his tactics slowly became more questionable.  However, the icing on the cake would not arrive until September when Punk (after costing Cena a match against Alberto Del Rio) jumped into a car and the driver of the car was none other than Paul Heyman.  Punk was now aligned with the man who was the first person in the WWE to believe that CM Punk could be a star.  Punk would go on to not only keep the WWE title till present day, but in doing so has become the longest reigning WWE champion in the last twenty five years at four hundred ten days and counting.

Rejoice noble fanboys!
Rejoice noble fanboys!

 

Team Hell No

In 2012, Kane once again returned as a monster heel…only to be turned face five months later.  This would have been a cringe worthy moment had someone not come up with the idea of teaming Kane with the YES man himself, Daniel Bryan.  The idea stemmed from the hilarious AJ mandated “anger management classes” that both Bryan and Kane had to attend.  The highlights included Kane setting a trash can on fire, Bryan yelling at a kid in a goat mask and the best part of all: Kane running down his entire history

The scarier part is how almost none of those storylines ever made sense
The scarier part is how almost none of those storylines ever made sense

 

The segments were entertaining enough to make them an official team and they soon captured the bronze from R-Truth and Kofi Kingston.  For the first few months, they really played up the dysfunction leading to constant arguments about which one of them were the tag team champions

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and to hugging out their differences.

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Currently, their more of a regular tag team, but they definitely turned out to be the best odd ball tag team since Booker T and Goldust graced us with their obvious incompatibility in 2002-2003.

 

Jerry Lawler’s heart attack

Jerry Lawler, long time announcer and cheesy joke teller fell victim to a heart attack DURING an episode of RAW in September.  Lawler survived thanks to the quick thinking of the medical personnel on hand and eventually returned to the announce booth before the year ended.  While Lawler’s return was welcomed (even though it meant the return of his terrible announcing), it of course was exploited by WWE for storyline purposes.  Apparently NOTHING is sacred not even when an employee of twenty years almost dies on the air.  Upon Lawler’s return we were greeted with a video documentary of Lawler’s ordeal (apparently camera’s were rolling the entire time despite the seriousness of the situation) and a CM Punk promo making light of Lawler’s near death experience.  Overall, it was just a classless, disgusting display by a company whose credibility is constantly shrinking.  Besides, if you’re going to make light of Lawler’s situation, you could always do something like this:

“We cook our burgers with hell fire and brimstone”
“We cook our burgers with hell fire and brimstone”

 

John Cena: Wrestler, movie star, wish granter, breast cancer spokeman?!??!!?

As most people know October is Breast Cancer awareness month in the United States.  Everybody gets on board to save all the breastesses they can because let’s be honest, who DOESN’T love boobs?

Mmmmm boooooobieees *drools*
Mmmmm boooooobieees *drools*

In all seriousness though, I fully supported WWE for taking on this cause.  However, I question the wisdom of having John Cena figure head this particular project because it came off as a cheap way of getting Cena more cheers.  Honestly who is going to boo a guy who’s supporting breast cancer awareness?  He came out in his pink and black shirt, his pink hat, pink wrist bands, etc and I swear I heard a lot less booing than usual.  Maybe it was a giant coincidence, but would anyone be surprised if someone in WWE had this cause and effect in the back of their minds?

Talk about a cheap pop
Talk about a cheap pop

 

Goldberg…Goldberg…Ryback? What the Hell is a Ryback?

 

Question: What do you get when you take Goldberg and put him in RVD’s singlets?  You get this guy:

"WWE:

 

 

Next question: When John Cena gets hurt and can’t fight Punk at Hell in a Cell, who do you replace him with?  If you said technical wrestler who could match Punk’s skill or a veteran who knows what the hell their doing, then (according to WWE) you need you head examined.  The obvious answer is a green muscle head with no discernible skills whatsoever except for being a green muscle head who screams “feed me more” at the top of his lungs.  Clearly, you were never a big shot Hollywood writer with total disdain for the wrestling business.

Next question:  Why would someone so new get pushed so fast?

Vince McMahon: Deep in the closest since 1981
Vince McMahon: Deep in the closest since 1981

Final question: How do correct this obvious injustice?

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The Shield

When will Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins debut?  When?  Why didn’t they debut after WrestleMania?  Their too talented to be in developmental.  Yes, the cries of the fanboys were loud and clear.  They wanted Dean Ambrose (Jon Moxley) and Seth Rollins (Tyler Black) to debut.

NOT SOON ENOUGH!
NOT SOON ENOUGH!

Well, their wishes were finally granted at Survivor Series and as a bonus they got Roman Reigns (son of Sika, the Wild Samoan) as well.  Then they debuted as a group and beat up John Cena and Ryback to save Punk’s WWE title *sound of fanboys jizzing themselves*.  Yes things got real awesome real quick.  Claiming to be champions of justice, Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns dubbed themselves “The Shield” an independent entity that specialized in correcting the injustices that occurred in the company.  The injustices are not clear to everyone, but they really don’t need to be.  While seemingly a poor man’s New World Order, this group has a chance to carve out a niche of their own if presented properly.  Ambrose certainly has the most potential, but Reigns and Rollins are no slouches either.  Reigns has the power and athleticism to go as far as anybody.  Rollins can fly and do some amazing things in ring, but his mic skills will need to develop further in order for him to be successful long term.  He has a long way to go to catch up to Ambrose:

2012: The year of short catch phrase
2012: The year of short catch phrase

2012: The year of AJ

AJ Lee at the end of 2011 was simply nothing more than Daniel Bryan’s girlfriend.  However, as 2012 progressed her character evolved and she became a boy crazed psycho.  After Bryan abused and dumped her, AJ became unstable.  She tried relationships with Kane & CM Punk before (seemingly) going back to Bryan until she left him at the alter to take the GM Job which she resigned after having an “inappropriate” relationship with another single human being, John Cena.  However, Cena wasn’t showing her the proper affection and she dumped him (literally off of a ladder) for Dolph Ziggler.  Despite this overexposure, AJ is a compelling character and she’s had some compelling moments. On one episode of RAW she almost threw herself off the top rope into a table, but ended up shoving Punk & Bryan into it.   It’s those kinds of things that will help her probably have a strong 2013 as well, but her TV time needs to be cut back greatly.

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What’s even crazier is that none of this has translated to success in the ring.  She hasn’t even had a shot at the divas title and the only other diva she’s had significant ring time with is Vickie Guerrero.  Yes, that Vickie Guerrero.

 

Well, after fourteen pages, my time is done.  I’d like to thank Wrestling Memes on facebook for all their hilarious images and of course our host/lord and master of CosBlog, Marcos for reading and posting this bullshit (probably with a lot of regret).  Hopefully I’ll be back next year with more insight, hilarity, and all the stuff you could read about elsewhere by people who are probably way more credible and intelligent.

Screenshot_20I leave you with the most hilarious wrestling related thing I’ve seen on the internet this year.  Enjoy.

 

 

 

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