I had mentioned that I would review Van Helsing a while back in one of my PS’ and I never did

(I have also been saying that I’ll get around to a Rant, but I’m just waiting to have time after I work at my Car Dealership job where I would see those two morons and have enough anger in me to write something. I promise you it won’t be a PG-13 Rant, they never were…and they never will be. Anyway…) I had wanted to see Van Helsing because I was a fan of Stephen Sommers. I liked The Mummy Returns and thought that he had grown a bit and finally used special effects to tell a story and not just used special effects to sell a film. I hate that. It is very rare to find a film that does not over use the special effects. Godzilla and Star Wars Episode I two clear examples at what not to do if you don’t have a story. Writing is rewriting so quit your fucking bitching and go back and rewrite until its perfect!

Or close enough to it.

Anyway, the original Mummy (with Brendan Fraiser) was ok. I thought it was too funny. Too much comedy defiantely ruined it for me. I thought the second one took itself seriously and I think it added to the whole film. I would really like for someone to make a good third Mummy movie and make this bad boy into the trilogy that film studios have such a hard-on for right now (they fucked up the Blade series because they wanted it to have three movies!). But that probably won’t happen for some time.

And as opposed to what Melissa always says (now more out of messing with me than anything else) Stephen Sommers is not my favorite director. Never was. He relies way too much on Special Effects to hide the flaws in his stories.

Van Helsing is no different. But, I think its flaw was that it was an entire TWO HOURS and TWELVE MINUTES of a homage to the old horror films that Universal had. And in essence did not take itself seriously at all. Dracula was too over the top. His brides were pointless. The mixing of all of the monsters was a great idea but it was too convoluted of a film. It actually would lend itself better to a television series than a film (which, they actually did leave up the set to be used in a television series–no word on what happened to it yet.

The special effects were too much. There is no need for it. Too many monsters. Not enough story. And the buget! Good god! It cost $175 million dollars to produce this monstrocity of a film. $175 million dollars! Who the fuck thought it was a good film to produce in the first place. I mean I saw where it all went but it didn’t need to go there. Next time, save the money and send it to a Tsunami relief fund where the money could be used to better some people as opposed to wasting it completely on shit.

Now on to my ratings scale:

Out of ten stars (one being the worst/ten being the best)

Six stars = * * * * * *

I was happy that I didn’t waist my time seeing this thing in the theater. I had heard it sucked back in May from a bunch of people that went to see it. Then I heard that it did amazingly well in DVD sales. I’m just curious about how many people actually bought it and then sold it back to one of those places that sell used (previously viewed is the PC term now) DVDs. I’m sure there is a whole flock of these stupid things just sitting around somewhere collecting dust. Send it back to where it came!

As Melissa said after the film, “Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, you really disappointed us…really let us down…”

Moving on:

Speaking of Stephen Sommers, it looks like he still has work… http://www.cinescape.com has an article posted about Paramount Studios signing dear ole Stephen to a new film…another remake…read on:

Sommers to “Collide” With Worlds
Dateline: Monday, April 11, 2005

By: NEWS EDITOR
By:
Source: Variety

Paramount has hired Stephen Sommers to write and direct a remake of the 1951 sci-fi film “When Worlds Collide.”

Sommers is supposed to start on the script immediately. In the original, scientists discover that another planet is veering dangerously close to Earth, and they make plans for a small group of humans to leave the planet before the inevitable deadly collision.

Stephen Sommers and Bob Ducsay will produce.

Stephen, this film, just like all the rest, is a classic! Don’t fuck it up asshole! Write a story first then add the effects in. Don’t go over your head!

Someone please don’t give him a massive amount of money for this film, make him work to redeem himself.

Please!

–Socram