I don’t know quite what to say…its been almost a full week and I still can’t believe that he’s gone. I don’t expect anyone who has never had a pet that they’ve held so close to their heart to understand how I feel. But let me tell you that it hurts pretty bad.

Mathew was in my life for 21 years and I loved every second of it. I may have been mean, but I always considered him like a brother and when he got too old to keep up I stopped bothering him and just letting him be. And I think he loved me just the same. When I would be in school for a while and he wouldn’t see me or if I was at the apartment or just really busy and I would come home thinking that maybe he’d look at me as if I had two heads because he didn’t recognize me anymore; he’d surprise me and meow his head off and follow me around the house.

I have so many fond memories of this animal…but he was more than just an animal. He was my brother, he was my best friend, and honestly I haven’t been to the house since last Sunday and he passed away on Monday so I have no idea how I feel. It hasn’t fully settled in. I’ve been looking at pictures and video of him, so full of life and looking amazingly handsome. Not quite like he was in the last few months of his life. Especially last weekend when he was not even a shell of the former cat that you see so nicely in the pics and videos below. I don’t know if it has settled in at all. I mean, I know it has, to a certain extent… but has it really?

Never again will I pet him, hear his purr, watch him yawn and see the little dark part on the top part of his mouth, watch his tail wag as he looks out the window, watch him walk around the house, see him ask for food…

…I’ll never have him sit by my seat during Sunday dinner and ask food little pieces of food (something I started doing when I went to college, I felt bad that I wasn’t around and I would give him ever so tiny pieces of whatever I was eating–and he loved it. He only came over to the table when I was there and I always felt so privelaged because of it).

I’ll never be able to hear him over a phone call to my parents and that hurts the most. I don’t think it is out of stupidity that I have to stop myself from asking “oh how’s the cat?” everytime I speak to my parents. Its been a comon question for the last two or three years as I knew that he was getting up in age. Every time I speak to my parents I have to stop myself from asking that question.

God I miss him…I actually started writing something yesterday but I didn’t think it was as raw or real sounding as this is, I was actually going to go to bed after the last post but I felt compelled to write this.

I’m not upset that he died, because I know that he is in a better place now, I’m upset because he’s not around anymore (does that make sense?) I know that it was for the best, he lived twenty one years, he was a cat among the best of cats and to me and my family (my parents and melissa) and those who got to know Mathew over the 21 years he was the greatest cat. I still remember the first time I saw him (when we first met…) Mathew was born in the Bronx in 1985 and my mom was going on a business trip to St. Martin and my father an I were going to and a mother cat gave birth to a litter of kittens and it was around this time that I was watching Heathcliff (funny how I brought that up last week if anyone was paying attention) and I said that I wanted a cat. My parents thought about it and decided why not. We were going to leave for St. Martin through JFK if I’m not mistaken and my Aunt walked me outside to show me my kitty and she picked Mathew up.

And the rest was litterally history…21 years of memories from cutting part of his whiskers off, to moving from Newark to Livingston, the leaping cat, the mouse hunter, my old friend, my mother ossito or baby coo, I miss his meow. I miss his eyes. I miss his fur. I know I have Peanut, and I love Peanut too, I love him a lot and just having him around helps me out so much and God bless him for that, but I still can’t get over my cat.

This has been a week that I have dreaded my whole life simply because a cat stole my heart and made me love him.

I don’t pray that much, I’m not as religious as I once was, but every now and then its essential, and the first time that we had to take Mathew to the emergency hospital I prayed that when I died the first person that we greet me would be Mathew, and for him to help me through the early goings of being in the afterlife (like if you’ve ever seen that Robin Williams movie What Dreams May Come, he had a friend that was helping him get adjusted to his heaven). I didn’t even want him speaking to me, just meowing would be fine because once over to that side you can understand everyone. It would be like a Han Solo/Chewbacca thing.

My Grandmother who passed away in 1999 loved Mathew, loved him so much. Mathew was not a lap cat (a cat that sleeps on someones lap) but he slept on hers for some reason. They bonded. And it was great. I miss her too…

There even little things that are not going to be the same anymore. Like when he got up from a spot that he was lying on and walked away and you would touch that spot it was nice a warm. I mean that may be stupid to most people but I’ll never have that happen again, at least not from him.

I miss his teeth, the way his back claws would make noise as he walked around, the way his tail would curve a certain way when he was curious about something, I miss seeing him at the door in the back when Melissa and I would come home on Sundays…

I’ve been upset about him dying for like two years and it didn’t prepare me for how I was going to feel. I don’t want to paint a picture that I’m depressed, because I’m not. Life goes on, I go to work, I come home, I live my life, I will move on and slowly but surely as the days go on I will move on completely I’m sure. But I will alway miss my cat. My first pet.

I miss his little adrenaline rushes, but I hadn’t seen one in years, I believe the last person to be graced with that was Melissa one day when she was over my house by herself she saw him do it and recently explained it as if Peanut were running around at top speeds (and how jealous I was that she saw, but how fortunate I think she was by seeing it).

I will always be a cat person, even though I know have a rabbit and will one day probably own a dog too (and hopefully many more rabbits too) and by the some luck a cat that won’t make Melissa’s allergies act up, but if I can’t have another cat I think I stopped with the greatest of all time.

I had a dream with Mathew in it on Wednesday or Thursday. It took place in the apartment and we had a basement for some reason. Mathew was in the livingroom just sitting there, where Peanut’s cage would be. And someone placed a plastic redish/pinkish rose in front of him. I walked away and I came back and I noticed that the front door was open and I was like, the cat is going to run out if you leave this open. I closed it and I noticed that Mathew was chewing on the rose and I took it from him and he looked at me and I woke up. What I would give to keep that dream going.

On my desk here in the apartment I have a picture of me and Mathew sleeping in my tv room at my parents house. I fell asleep and he jumped up and joined me and we both slept and Melissa took a picture of us. I’m so happy that she did,its one of those ways that I want to remember him by. Not the sick skinny cat that he ended up being.

I miss him, I really miss him, I don’t think anything prepared me for last Monday and I don’t think anything will prepare me for Sunday (or whenever I go home for the first time), they’re will be such an emptiness felt without his presence around. I can’t even comprehend it. I mean, if Peanut isn’t here in the apartment (like if we drop him off at my parent’s house because we’re going somewhere) we are always looking for him and it hurts. Like I said I can’t even comprehend it.

I miss you old man, Mr. Cat, Matty H., Uncle Mathew, Santa cat, old man cat. I hated the condition that you were in the last few months of your life, but I’m happy that you are where you are right now, because nothing can hurt you, you are in such a better place, and I will see you again one day my friend, see you’re fur, your eyes, the way your teeth looked when you meowed. And I promise we’ll have fun just like we used too, only this time you’ll understand I’m just playing with you. But you are where you were always meant to be, in heaven, and you are doing exactly what you do best, sleeping, only instead of on a bed or on a pillow you are on the only lap that you have ever slept on and you are enjoying every minute of it.

I love you old friend and I will love you for the rest of time.

–Marcos Cosme