2011 NFL Season Predictions

Yep, managed to get another wrestling reference in


Author’s note:  This was written before the season started so my opinions are based purely on everything that happened prior to week one. 


2011 NFL Season Predictions


Ok, so this is my first time doing a column like this.  I’m usually just complaining about wrestling, but surprisingly the WWE has actually stepped up their game this summer and made the show fun again.  More on that at another date, but first Pigskin/football/futbol Americano.  Now this may shock you, but I am no expert.  I am just a huge football fan with some extra time on his hands (well technically I’m supposed to be working, but fuck that).  I will try to keep it short, simple, and fun so your not sitting there for two hours going “Enough, the Colts are in trouble, we get it”.




AFC East: The New England Patriots

Sorry Jet fans, this isn’t your year either.  As long as Tom “GQ” Brady and Bill Robochick are in New England, the odds of the Jets being anything but a wildcard are slim.  Whether Belichick is cheating (yay for four year old jokes) or just finding the right guys or the right plays, whatever he’s doing, he does it very very well and will continue to do so much to the chagrin of Gang Green and its fans (Fireman Ed is gonna be so upset).  Oh, and don’t even think about the Bills or Dolphins.  The 4x, 4x, 4x, 4x runners up and Ace Ventura’s favorite team will be lucky to break .500

What do you mean the Pats win again?
What do you mean the Pats win again?


AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers

As much as I want to give it to the Baltimore Ravens, I simply can’t dismiss Rapelisberger, James “Heavy Artillery” Harrison, and the rest of the black and gold.  The Steelers are very much at the top of their game while Baltimore is trying to get by with a still growing QB in Joe Flacco and an aging defense.  A wild card certainly isn’t out of the question, but like the Jets, they are definite underdog going up against a juggernaut.


AFC South: The Houston Texans

Here’s where it gets interesting.  I think this is the year that someone finally comes along and knocks Indianapolis Peytons of their perch.  The Texans offense is as dangerous as ever with newly anointed king of the running backs, Arian Foster leading the way, a very capable QB, and probably the best WR in the league (when healthy), Andre Johnson.  The problem with this team has always been their defense which has greatly improved with some key additions and with Wade Phillips (former Cowboy’s coach) as Defensive Coordinator.  The only question is, when it comes time will it all gel together?  My answer is yes.  I was originally going to put them as a 10 or 11 win team, but Hell with quarterbacks like Luke McCown, Kerry Collins, and Matt Hasselbeck starting in their division they might be a 13 win team after all.  Crazier shit has happened.

If there’s one man your gonna believe in, why not this guy? Oh....
If there’s one man your gonna believe in, why not this guy? Oh....

AFC West: San Diego Chargers

Come on Chargers, this is getting silly now.  Last year they were the top ranked offense and defense and yet somehow managed to miss the playoffs.  The problem?  Painfully slow starts to the season and meltdowns on special teams.  San Diego needs to come out of the gate firing this year if their going to have any shot of winning the division and going deep into the playoffs.  All the pieces are there, they just need to make it all work.  If they don’t, it could mean the end of the road for coach Norv Turner who’s choke jobs have started to rival the man he succeeded, Marty Schottenheimer.  They will certainly see some stiff competition from the Chiefs and even yes, those pesky Oakland Raiders, but if they don’t end up a 2 or 3 seed, I will be very surprised.


Wild Cards

Baltimore Ravens: They have their weaknesses as I mentioned before, but this team is just too talented to be left out of the picture all together so barring any major injuries, they should at least get in the tournament and have a great chance to make it to the Super Bowl.


New York Jets: Can the Jets get to the playoffs?  Yes.  Can go they go as far as the AFC title game again?  Maybe, but its going to be a real long shot considering very few teams have been able to get there in three consecutive years.  Either way, they should at least win 10 games which should be enough to clinch the final seed.




  1. New England
  2. Pittsburgh
  3. San Diego
  4. Houston
  5. Baltimore
  6. New York


Wild card weekend

San Diego def. New York

Baltimore def. Houston


Divisional Round

New England def. Baltimore

San Diego def. Pittsburgh


AFC Championship

San Diego def. New England




NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles

FUCK THE EAGLES FUCK THE EAGLES FUCK THE EAGLES.  Sorry, lost my temper a bit there didn’t I?  As a blue blooded Giants fan, it pains me to pick the Eagles, but I am left with little choice.  As over hyped as they might be and as much as I think it might take a year or two for them to truly gel as a team, that’s not going to stop them from taking the division against a recovering Cowboys team, a pathetic Redskins team with schizoid Shanahan running the show, and a Giants team that was, let’s face it, RAPED like a Nazi in prison during the off-season between injuries and losing free agents (FUCK YOU STEVE SMITH).  The Eagles will probably end up as a number one or two seed.  Whooptie damn doo.  Thanks for nothing Mr. Reese.

Rape isn’t fun
Rape isn’t fun


NFC North: Green Bay Packers

The Packers now how everybody healthy so they should run away with this thing, right (better/healthy players = we can has more wins)?  Well, it’s not as much a lock as you would think.  The Bears won the division last year (by some miracle of God) and shouldn’t be an afterthought (despite having one of the most interception prone QBs of all time).  Their defense is still solid and will keep them in almost every game.  Then there are the Vikings who are going to once again roll the dice on a has been QB except this year its Donovan McNabb who has come close to winning a Super Bowl once…before puking on the field and blowing the game.  McNabb’s presence will benefit RB Adrian Peterson who will either be the MVP or be burnt out by week 6.  The defense doesn’t look a lot better either.  Then there are even the Lions (yes, those Lions) who have looked very impressive in the pre-season. Yes, they’ve done this before, but with a healthy Matthew Stafford and a gaggle of talent on both sides, they should at LEAST contend for a wild card.


NFC South: New Orleans Saints

The Falcons are not going to repeat their 2010 season.  They didn’t lose to the Packers because Matt Ryan didn’t have a deep threat.  They lost because their defense shit the bed.  Speaking of defenses shitting the bed, New Orleans after being ousted by Seattle of all fucking teams went out and added huge key pieces (Aubrayo Franklin, Shaun Rogers) AND got rid of some dead weight on offense (see: Bush, Reggie and Shockey, Jeremey).  Oh yea, and Drew Brees is still a touchdown throwing machine in the prime of his career.  They won the Super Bowl two years ago and they look like they just might do it again.  However, this division will probably be closer than people think.  Whoever doesn’t win it, will definitely get a wild card spot.  As for the Tampa Bay Bucs, they are definitely a great young team, but their not ready to mix it up with the big boys yet.  The Panthers are supposed to be in re-building mode, but don’t be socked if they rattle a few cages.


NFC West: The St. Louis Rams

Welcome to the worst division in Football.  The division that couldn’t produce a team over .500 which is probably around where the Rams will end up, but hey 8-8 should be enough to bring it home to the dome.  In all seriousness, this is the team with the most talent. Sam Bradford is slowly developing into a star player, Steven Jackson (when healthy) is still a force to be reckoned with, and the defense is anchored by the son of WWE Hall of Famer Road Warrior Animal, James Laurenitis and if your thinking that’s the main reason I picked this team, your right.  You go ahead and pick a winner in this shit division without using wrestling.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  As for the others, Seattle decided a while ago they weren’t going to contend when they let long time QB, Matt Hasselbeck walk and then proceeded to bring in Tarvaris Jackon who is one of the biggest flops of all time.  Meanwhile in San Francisco, they are starting the hopeless, Alex Smith at QB which may bring home state hero Andrew Luck in the offseason.


Wild Cards:


Dallas Cowboys: The Cowboys are the classic example of a team with too much talent to fail.  It just seems improbable that year after year, they find a way to blow their season.  Sometimes its injuries, sometimes they choke in the first round, whatever it is, it seems to happen every year since Romo became the starter.  This is what has kept Romo from being a top tier guy, he isn’t clutch.  In fact, he’s the opposite of clutch.  In the big moment, he always seems to fade or make a critical mistake.  However, that shouldn’t stop Dallas from playing at least one playoff game.


Atlanta Falcons: A lot of people are writing this team off just because they have never been a consistently good football team.  Not to mention as a one seed they got knocked off by the surging Packers in the divisional round last year.  I am going to go out on a limb and put that aside and pick them to be the 6th seed.



Green Bay Packers

  1. Philadelphia Eagles
  2. New Orleans Saints
  3. St. Louis Rams
  4. Dallas Cowboys
  5. Atlanta Falcons


Wild card weekend

New Orleans Saints def. Atlanta Falcons

Dallas Cowboys def. St. Louis Rams


Divisional Round

Green Bay Packers def. Dallas Cowboys

New Orleans Saints def. Philadelphia Eagles


NFC Championship

Green Bay Packers def. New Orleans Saints


Super Bowl XLVI

Green Bay Packers def. San Diego Chargers


I know not quite a stretch to say the Pack will win it all again, especially in a year where consistency is at a premium (thanks, four month long lockout), but I just can’t help but think this might be the beginning of another dynasty.  As long as Rodgers is there, this team will have a chance.  Some of their players are getting older, but they can still play and even if they can’t the Packers are deep enough to make it work (See: Starks, James).  San Diego will definitely make them work for it and maybe will at least be able to walk away with some respect instead of being constantly ribbed about their poor early season play.  It has to happen one of these years right?

Yep, managed to get another wrestling reference in
Yep, managed to get another wrestling reference in

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